girl in water

I would like to find something that I know God smiles at. He smiles at a lot but I'm talking about something I do, when I do it, that I would feel His smile.  I used to think it was when I was playing guitar and singing, and sometimes it is, I used to think it was writing, and sometimes it is. But I want the action to always produce that wonder, that joy. And when it doesn't I seem to throw it out the door in a way. Is there just one thing, that perfect, beautiful thing? I think so. I've looked everywhere. But I found it in serving. Going beyond myself. And maybe that's why I've been feeling lost, like a butterfly in bees. I haven't served, or lost myself in others. Or when I do, it's not for their benefit but to feed my own flesh. 
    And too, I've not "found myself in the usual places".  When I lived in Madagascar, I knew who I was, what I was to be. And I feel 13 since I've moved to Prescott. Toddling, falling, confused.... Looking for my momma. But you know what? God is my father. And as much as I miss my parents and their ever present support, I know that He supports me as well. It's a beautiful, painful, sickening, exciting experience. 
      The title of this might seem odd. But I feel God smile when I am in water physically. And yet I feel like I am in water emotionally and spiritually. Every sense is magnified, my eyes feel closed. And I'm floating, gasping for oxygen. But swimming deeper? That's when I feel His eyes upon me, His smile. Because when we go deeper, Living Water abounds. And we need oxygen no longer.